5 Tips for Becoming a Healthier Human
According to 23andMe, my DNA is about 1.8% Neanderthal, which most of my family and friends insist is way too low. Their evidence is convincing, ranging from my caveman good looks to mating habits.
My daily exercise routine is also prehistoric, consisting of about an hour of grunting and groaning. Not only do I totally lack discipline or follow any routine, but I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
Maybe that’s how I’m in my 50s and still able to run marathons with flat feet and arch supports, lift weights despite two upper hernias, and do amateur boxing with ripe cataracts in both squinting eyes.
Given all that, you’re probably wondering how I could possibly be an authoritative resource for anything related to fitness. Not surprisingly, you’re absolutely right. I’m the least qualified guy you can imagine.
For that exact reason, I paradoxically might have something important to say. Well, maybe not important, more likely kind of worthwhile, or at least mildly interesting. Bottom line: If I can do it, then anyone can.
That’s right, getting and staying in shape is something even a modern day Neanderthal can do. I break all the rules because I have trouble paying attention, and don’t like being told what to do. Ask my ex-wife.
I hope my guide can help. After all, most of us are sick of experts with perfect bodies and shining white teeth, showing us how to do it right. Most often, we simply need to do it, yearn for an inspirational moron.
That’s me! A coach is expensive, and my basic tips are free. Pro instructors are hot, while I’m a bald, middle aged guy with profuse body hair and caterpillar eyebrows. Ready? Let’s get sweaty! Lucky you.
Tip #1: Spend the Money, It’s Worth It
The best advice I ever heard was, “Never settle for discount eye surgery, sushi, or exercise equipment.” That was bang on, even though it came from an ophthalmologist in a seafood restaurant after a triathlon.
Another great line is from Scotty in the original Star Trek series, who insisted, “You need the right tool for the right job!” (or something like that). In other words, when it comes to fitness, don’t be a cheap ass.
Your health and wellness are priceless. Mind and body are indeed one. Bad LASIK will blind you, spoiled raw fish will poison you, and bad gear will demotivate or even injure you. Hurt your wallet, not yourself.
Thanks to the global pandemic, making an excuse not to go to the gym is easy, since all the gyms are closed. Fitness spending has shifted to home workout equipment, a major trend likely to continue.
Throughout COVID, these companies have had us by the balls, demand in excess of supply. In lockdown, I paid extortion rates for a set of dumbbells, so figured what the hell, be a dummy and get a Peloton, too.
Friends annoyed me by talking nonstop about the product, so I got one just to make them STFU. Delivery took forever, but now I annoy them by talking nonstop about the product. Smartest fitness decision ever.
Anyway, my first point here is to go big, especially if home. Buying the best equipment gives you bragging rights, and may also motivate you to work harder with your spend to ensure a return on your investment.
Many people can’t afford higher-end gear, especially these days, but consider the opportunity costs of not staying fit — especially these days. Wear a mask, get vaccinated — and build your immune system.
Tip #2: Create a Special Daily Experience
Speaking of high end, I wouldn’t be surprised if Apple buys Peloton soon. Both brands embody the best in blending luxury consumer electronics hardware with software to create an immersive user experience.
That shared experience is all about you, the customer. At the heart is personalization, where every interaction with the product feels customized to meet your specific needs and finicky expectations.
I need burritos and porn, and expect to lose weight and get ripped without doing any work. After nearly half a century, I’ve come to realize that won’t happen, so have resigned myself to exercising each day.
For years I hated working out, until I discovered the why lurking behind the how, which for me is a terrific way to channel my ADHD. Working out every day is like popping Xanax, helping me chillax.
Squirrel! Where were we? Oh, yeah: If you learn how to love what you do, then you’ll do what you love. Don’t hesitate to go full Burger King, and Have It Your Way by creating a special experience each time.
That experience is as unique as you are, so answer your own why. The trick is discovering what motivates you, then feeding off of it like candy, each and every day. My technique: fall in lust with cute instructors.
My favorites on the Peloton bike are Jess, Leanne, and Kendall, whom I enjoy watching jiggle. I don’t even listen to them or their music, instead tuning into news and science podcasts. Create your own jam.
I also randomly shake things up: rides, instructors, and time of day. People who know what they’re doing will say that’s distracting. I’m simply suggesting you do what you like, because then you’ll do more of it.
Tip #3: Pick Your Own Success Metric
Stationary bike, free weights, and foam roller are my tools, get me where I need to go. Find your own optimal mix and create that special experience. You’re on your way if you look forward to it each day.
Regardless of what you do and whom you do it with, setting goals and working hard to attain and exceed them is key. Lose weight? Build strength? These are means to an end. What is your end? Stay focused.
My buddy Ken in LA has a deeply analytical mind. He diligently tracks every mile he rides on his Peloton, transforming himself from couch potato to workout mofo by keeping his eye on the stats.
Staying true to my caveman roots, I’m unwilling and likely unable to track anything at all, the numbers all a blur. Cadence, resistance, calories, miles, duration, kilojoules per hour… Are you kidding me?
Instead, the only metric of success that I monitor is sweat: I consider it a win if my two teen boys I share a two-bedroom apartment with in NYC are grossed out. “Pops, you’re soaked and you smell!” #winning
Your success metric is surely more sophisticated than my drenched t-shirts. What’s important, though, is rejecting the “One Size Fits All” attitude, and embracing the reality that motivation comes from within.
I’m no expert, but I sense that millions of people get discouraged with fitness because they feel the need to fit into someone else’s structure, follow other people’s recipe for success. They try, fail, then quit.
If you’re comfortable with routine and function better within a system, then by all means go for it. But if you’re like me, hate being told what to do, and need to constantly shake things up, then sweat it out your way.
Tip #4: Gamify Your Workouts with Community
The “Seven Deadly Sins” will send you straight to Hell — but are also great motivators for exercise. Especially true thanks to digital technology, which fuels the worst in people, bringing out their best.
Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride are why Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and other social networks are worth trillions. We’re all hopelessly vain, competitive, jealous, gossippy, and insatiable.
Our instincts also explain why the video gaming industry is bigger than Hollywood: People love and get addicted to controlled, competitive, community-driven environments that offer endless rewards.
Enter the phenomenally successful fitness companies like Peloton, who have figured out how to tap into this limitless reservoir of vanity and rivalry. By “gamifying” workouts, they get you addicted to health.
Users choose from hundreds of live and on-demand classes across cycling, running, walking, strength, cardio, yoga, and meditation categories, led by instructors with names like Ally Love. What’s not to love?
Each competitive workout is gamified with the help of a community leaderboard, so you can strive to destroy evenly matched contenders from among thousands sharing your ride, often in real time.
Social features abound, such as following and high-fiving others, assigning hashtags to groups, and live streaming video. You’re constantly showered with badges, awards, and other tokens, even if you suck.
Whether you use Peloton, The Mirror, or FaceTime with friends and free weights, join a community and compete with your peers. Whether miles per month or sweaty t-shirts, goals are crushed faster in groups.
Tip #5: Pay Attention to Your Body
Overdoing it is another common exercise mistake. I know many people who’ve gone from 0 to Workout Maniac in a few months or years, only to find themselves with ruined knees and a dozen cortisone shots.
Another surprising but welcome benefit of being a Neanderthal is not trying too hard. I like to say that I give my workouts an 80% effort, max. Sure I’ll sweat it out, but I only push myself so far and for so long.
That’s helped me avoid serious injuries, and maintains my plodding but consistent workout momentum. By working hard while hardly working, I’m able to stay fit and “respect my lazy.” It’s gotta stay fun.
My secret sauce is reducing my expectations, not heightening them. Most of the home workout effort is just getting on the bike or picking up a dumbbell; once you get going it’s much easier to keep going.
All too often I see people disappointing themselves before they even start, the pursuit of excellence leading to abject failure. Far better than surrender is a mediocre effort, which in comparison is awesome.
Your body is communicating with you, and it’s a good idea that you listen. The transition from couch to workout is usually the toughest state change: Make it as easy and enticing as you can, with least effort.
Once on the bike or bench or mat or whatever, you’re on your way for the day. Give it your all to hit your personal goal, and let your body guide you. The less you think, the more you’ll feel good about yourself.
For prehistoric creatures like me, “good enough” is actually terrific. And for many people, especially those who don’t exercise sufficiently or at all, “good enough” is the first step to getting and staying in shape.
Bonus Tip: Fool Yourself Into Having a Good Time
Let’s face it: If given the choice between doing anything else and exercising, most would choose doing anything else. The trick here is to find anything else that’s actually worse than exercising, then exercising instead.
This describes my proven caveman technique for using exercise as an excuse to not to do something else that’s even less appealing than exercising. For example, a tedious work project or unpleasant chore.
In other words, you can exercise as a way to procrastinate from doing other, even less pleasant things. Since many of us are working from home now, breaking up the day with exercise is a perfect distraction.
Working out while working from home is doubly beneficial in that exercise sessions not only break up your routine, but overcome the damage done by being physically idle in front of a computer for hours.
Some of us have more Neanderthal DNA than others, but we all evolved in the wild. Zero running water, electricity, or artificial shelter; living day to day, meal to meal. We were chased by lions all day long.
Infusing your day with grunting and groaning has proven benefits to your body. Lower cholesterol and blood pressure, improved cardiovascular and metabolic rates, reduced heart disease and diabetes…
Such benefits also impact your mind, flushing it with rejuvenating and enlivening chemicals, boosting your mood and mental health. Your brain and body need daily exercise: But you need to want it and crave it.
So whether you gawk at virtual instructors, compete with friends, gather award tokens, or avoid a tedious work project, outlive your ancestors by embracing your Inner Neanderthal: exercise daily, and with gusto!
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